Past Correspondence
3.19.07
Before we get started, I want to say thank you for all of the e-mail. Over the past weeks, there has been a ton, so much in fact that it was tough to sort through it and pick out some gems for this installment of the Mailbag.
Also, after the last Mailbag, I received a handful of e-mails that offered sympathy because I gave the impression that most of the e-mails I get are negative and critical. Very kind people would write me things like, “Just know that not everyone hates you,” or “Sorry people are so mean with their e-mails. Are you okay? IM me if you want to chat about it!”
The truth is, I do get a lot of very sweet and supportive e-mails that I’m very thankful for. However, they’re not very interesting to read about. “I love the site, keep it up!” and “THE HATE LIST rules!” don’t allow for much analysis to keep the Mailbags colorful. The negative e-mails on the other hand, are more crowd pleasing. And it seems to be working because the Mailbag posts have become some of the most popular on the site, although I’m a little disappointed because every time I throw down the gauntlet and challenge one of my critics (like Deborah the profanity-hater, see below) to an e-mail dual, I never hear from them again. Spineless, I say.
Let’s get started.
I’m very critical of bad grammar, and it’s usually one of the first weapons I reach for when I’m battling the haters in the e-mail. So it cracks me up that I’ve had to swallow heaping spoonfuls of my own medicine over the past few weeks because of some grammatical slip-ups that I made on the site.
The most glaring error came in the last HATE LIST chapter, and I shit you not, I received 25-30 e-mails about it, some of them more of the “Ha-ha, you idiot!” variety than others. When I was bitching about the array of putrid odors that I have to navigate in order to arrive at a decent smelling stick of underarm protection, I concluded by saying that I finally chose a scent called “ARTIC Refresh.”
My bad. I’m an idiot. You are all right. I concede. You win. If I said that on a first date, she would be right to kick me to the curb. It reminds me of when President Bush got made fun of because he was pronouncing “nuclear” as “nuke-ya-ler” instead of “nu-clee-er” Here’s just a taste of what I found in my Inbox after the a-r-t-I-c mistake:
“So, I was perusing the topics on your Hate List today, and it has inspired me to start one of my own. Number one on my hate list: People who spell “arctic”, a-r-t-I-c…as in “Arctic Refresh”. Sorry. Everything else was funny.” -Misty
“I know you’ll appreciate it, what with your disdain for bad grammar, but it’s Arctic Refresh – you left out the first C on your Hate List.” -JB
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE
“Hey idiot- it’s not “artic.” It’s “A-R-C-T-I-C.” -Brendan
And then there’s this one, from a reader who takes grammar very seriously. I like the e-mail because it accuses me of using incorrect grammar in a Hate List item that was making fun of incorrect grammar:
Love your Hate List. But in your entry on “Literally” you wrote: “It’s very impressive that you lost a lot of weight. But last I checked a ton was not comprised of 24 pounds.” Please, please help us all! Be VERY accurate about the hate and rephrase: “Last I checked a ton did not comprise 24 pounds.” -Sarah
I’m with you Sarah, I really am, but I’m not convinced I was wrong. Am I wrong if I say, “Today my day was comprised of sleeping in, eating peanut butter and jelly out of the jar(s) over the sink, walking my dog, watching my NCAA bracket turn into toilet paper as the games progressed, then coming to this coffee shop to do some writing.” Would I be wrong? I understand that saying “was comprised of” is weaker because it uses the passive voice rather than active, but I think it’s just a weaker sentence construction, not necessarily an erroneous one. Either way- respect.
As long as we’re laughing in the face of my English degree, let’s look at one more e-mail that gives me the finger for ignorance:
OK Mr. Big Shot Princeton Man. Alright is not one word. It’s two. As in, “I believe it’s all right that you disagree with me.” Or …. “I don’t think it’s all right that you think the word is ‘alright.” A confusing yet effective way to remember is what my high school English teacher put up on the wall in the classroom. ‘All right is not alright.’ -Kris
(Rolls eyes. Sighs. Thinks about it. Swallows pride. Nods head. Accepts defeat. Resolves to be less critical of poor grammar. Yet knows deep inside this experience will probably make him even more critical. Feels a sneeze coming on. Gets excited. Feels sneeze escaping him. Battles to bring it back. Loses it for good. Pissed.) Good call, Kris. You’re all right. You really are. Thanks for righting.
My Personal Ad continues to get a lot of attention in the e-mail, which always surprises me because I never thought it would be so controversial, or at least I never intended it to come off that way. I expected to catch a lot of shit from Your Friendly Neighborhood Sex Offender just because the topic is so touchy, but the responses have been positive, and it’s The Personal Ad that keeps pissing people off. Not everyone, of course. Some people like it:
“I just discovered your website today. Let me say that despite the fact that every word of your personal ad made me melt (and I mean melt), I can’t apply for the job. I almost wish I could. You cannot grasp how refreshing it is to know that there are men my age (20s) who truly appreciate the subtleties of women.” -Becky
Right back at you, Becky. Thanks. And thank you for not saying that it “literally” made you melt, because then I would have been forced to mock you in the Mailbag, and you would also be dead, having literally melted to death.
Here’s another one that I like just because she uses the word “douchebag,” which is one of my favorite words. I would say it’s one of my favorite “swear words” but I’m not even sure if it is technically profanity, or if it’s just vulgar. Either way, it’s so degrading and I use it all the time. There’s only so many times you can say so-and-so is “an asshole” before it loses any imagery or meaning. But saying someone is a “complete douchebag” throws a dash of comedy into your slur, and it always cracks me up. (….cue several haters e-mailing to call me a douchebag. In 5…4…3…2…)
“I really enjoyed reading your personal ad. It made me think about all the qualities I want in a guy. After reading it I felt that it is okay to be picky. Since I continually meet douche bag after douche bag. Sometimes I think I will be single forever because I am so picky. I know now that there are other people out there just as selective as me. I wouldn’t say you’re being demanding, you just know exactly what you want. So thank you for writing that entertaining and insightful personal ad. It definitely put a smile on my face” -Bobbi
But there are still the readers who get really mad when they read My Personal Ad. I am still not sure why, and of course no one will explain it to me. It’s just a list of my ideal characteristics in a woman. What the hell is wrong with that? Haven’t you ever sat around with a friend and talked about the perfect man/woman? Everyone from 6th graders on sleepovers to secretaries sipping Syrah does it at one time or another. (P.s. I so adore alliteration.) Here is a perfect example of an ignorant reader who takes the time to send a scolding e-mail, yet offers no kind of rationale or support for her claim:
“I just wanted you to know with such a big list of prerequisites, you will be alone for the rest of your god awful life!” -Jenyse
First of all, “JENYSE”- nice name, nice spelling. I take comfort in knowing that for your entire life you have to spell out your name for people. “No, no, no. It’s j-e-n-Y-s-e.” How annoying that must be for you. Second of all, I was offended that you did not use a capital “G” when employing the term “God awful.” It’s disrespectful to the Lord. Take note. And finally, despite the five or six explanations that I crow-barred into My Personal Ad, all of which explained and assured that nothing on the list was a requirement or a “prerequisite” as you put it, you still managed to miss the point completely. I also want to issue a final challenge to you- e-mail me with any coherent, intelligible reason why my life is “god awful” (sic).
Okay, I have a few other things to address.
One reader in particular had a problem with something I said in the KB and Smoking Hot Join Forces post. In fact the subject of her e-mail was “Bone to Pick.” So, given my interest in negative e-mails that I explained above, I picked it out of the crowd. (Timeout. It just occurred to me that some of you might start writing me negative e-mails just to get them posted here. Really, don’t. You’re better than that.) Anyway, here’s her bone to pick:
You definitely have the gift for putting words down on paper and keeping your readers amused. Then I got to this part: “There’s a good chance that some of you, and I’m looking in the direction of my readers from the DAYS days, will find that SmokingHot is not really your cup of tea”
Kyle, this isn’t the first time you’ve lumped your Days fans aside from your other fans. I find this to be a bit insulting. Why do you think Days fans still visit your site? Your not on DOOL anymore but here we are, on your web page, reading what you have to say. Could it be because we genuinely CARE about you Kyle and enjoy the person you are? If it was for the mere sake of you being an actor on Days, we’d be gone. Fans are fans Kyle. It doesn’t matter where or when we decided to ‘like’ a certain celebrity and one would think an actor would be thrilled with any fans they had. So whether or not you like your DOOL fan following, we are here and we are going to stay. Im sure you will pick this email apart, find it amusing and have your fun with it, but I will still be your fan. With that said, I am off to check out Danny’s website BECAUSE you asked us to. -Caitlin
Caitlin. Sweetheart. Thank you for writing. I’m not going to pick your e-mail apart, nor did I find it amusing. It’s just a misunderstanding. All I did was throw out a bit of a disclaimer.
SmokingHotWaitress.Com is a colorful and innovative website, yet it does indeed objectify woman. It’s also intended for straight males in their 20s. And since there are exactly 29 straight males in their 20s who watched me on DAYS, I was simply warning the rest of the DAYS viewers that they might not like what they saw when they went to the site, and furthermore I wouldn’t blame them if they found it risque or even distasteful. I have encountered DAYS fans who are very wary of actors who choose to leave the show, because they fear or suspect that they’ll desert the fanbase they built there once they become entrenched in other endeavors. I get this. But it won’t happen, and I think the correspondence I maintain here is proof of that. The fact is, I do “lump my DAYS fans aside” but I do it because they were first and they deserve special treatment.
This guy had a problem with my JACKASS 2 review and channeled his agitation into an assault on my sexuality. Good times. Feast your eyes on this:
“So, the Jackass movies and TV shows are just one big gay fest…I stumbled across your web site and have a few observations. First, you seem to have an awful lot of pictures of men on your page. Second, you are a fan of American Idol. You make a Clay Aiken reference, you hang out in a very gay area of LA and you seem to know the continuity of horse semen. You mention Oprah Winfrey…Oprah?!? Who is calling who gay? Dude, from where I’m standing, you exhibit all sorts of gay characteristics. Just thought I’d point that out for you. Again, Lot’s of men pictures, American Idol, Clay Aiken, gay area of LA, horse semen and Oprah Winfrey. I’ll be looking for you in the next Jackass movie…” -Kahill
Okay, here we go. Kahill. Is that pronounced just like it looks? Ka. Hill. Wonderful. You start by using the classic bullshit rationale for visiting my site, “I stumbled across your site,” which you give because you feel you need to provide a reason why you would ever be here. What’s your excuse this time Ka. Hill? I mean, as you’re reading this, did you “stumble” here again? It’s pretty hard to “stumble” across the Internet. The movements are really deliberate. Point. Click.
What else? I “seem to have a lot of pictures of men” on my page. That “seems to be” pretty weak Ka. Hill. Across the top of the page is an iconic film character who rapes women, a rockstar, a government agent who specializes in torture and a Hall of Fame runningback. -not to mention the pin-up shot of Raquel Welch. So- what the hell are you talking about?
Before I continue, let me assure you, the readers, that I really don’t give a shit if someone calls me “gay.” In fact I find it pathetic when a guy responds such an accusation by dropping everything and bending over backwards to prove how much he craves women and beer and monster trucks. That’s not what this rebuttal is about. I just saw plenty of opportunities to bust Ka. Hill.’s balls and I wanted to pursue them. That’s all. Plus, I really liked JACKASS 2.
I am in fact watching American Idol this season, that’s true. But I’m barely watching it. I only watch the elimination show on Wednesday, just because there’s so much goddamn recap it feels like there’s no need to watch the other two days. So what- that makes someone gay if they watch American Idol? Did you even read the Jackass review? I was giving concrete examples of why it seemed homo-erotic, reasons like constant male nudity and phallic symbols and a total lack of females. What have you got? “Lots of pictures of men?” Weak.
My favorite part of your e-mail is when you say I “hang out in a very gay area of L.A.” How do you know where I hang out, Ka. Hill.? Are you referring to West Hollywood or something? I’m there sometimes. Everyone is. Gay, straight, whatever. This rebuttal is becoming more pointless than I thought it would be. I’ve got nothing to work with.
Oprah? Blah, blah. My Mom told me about The Secret because she, like every other woman in America, heard about it on Oprah. I guess that makes me quote-unquote gay because I talk to my Mom, right?
And as far as knowing the “continuity of horse semen,” you were a little out of your league with that term Ka. Hill. because that’s not what “continuity” means. Do you have a vocabulary-word-of-the-day calendar? Look it up. And I describe horse semen in the Jackass review by saying, “It’s probably so warm and thick.” Well, let me ask you Ka. Hill.- don’t you think that’s most likely an accurate estimation? Do you imagine it’s cold and lumpy? Well, you have your theory and I have mine.
I’ll end this rebuttal by posting another reader e-mail, which suggested a HATE LIST addition. I think it’s appropriate at this juncture:
I can’t stand the phrase- “That’s so gay.”. I hate looking obnoxious and correcting people, but I have to for this. Are you implying ‘gay’ in a negative sense? I’m pretty sure I have some friends of that sexual orientation, and they’re looking a lot more mature than you right now. I’ll be happy if I never hear this phrase again. -Molly
All right (see that, it’s two words!) I have to wrap this up. I wanted to include a bunch of e-mails about the Silica Gel post because it has become a cult favorite on the site, but I’ll have to save them for next time because I have to do some really important things right now like eat a couple handfuls of grapes, download a couple episodes of Heroes, and get a couple hours of sleep before I start my week tomorrow. Good night.
2.11.07
It’s been quite some time since I’ve kept up my correspondence. Apologies. I’ll make up for it here, but it’s difficult to write one of these Mailbag posts because to do so I first must choose e-mails to repond to, which is kind of like picking your favorite Jelly Belly, or your favorite Radiohead song. There are just too many appealing options. This is one of the few areas within this site, if not the only one, were I employ a tad of censorship. Believe me, I get some e-mails that are so off the wall or shocking I would almost feel uncomfortable posting them. If you’re a friend of mine, ask me about these e-mails the next time we hang out. Funny, funny shit. The rest of you will have to make do with enjoying the following……..
Remember Rebecca? She was the highlight of the last Mailbag installation because she said that she watches Days of our Lives every day, and she “always drinks when she watches it.” I found this hilarious, and poked fun at her for it (see below). Well, she responded, and she defended herself by saying this:
OK smart ass! After I sent the first email I thought you may imagine I sit at home with no job and drink all day, because I’m in Georgia and Days comes on at 1pm. I tivo it and watch it in the evening while I drink. Then On Saturday and Sunday, it’s on, especially during football season. That’s reason enough, right? Although, over the years I’ve found I really don’t need a reason to drink because it’s just so fun!
I stand corrected, Bridget. I apologize for insinuating that you might be a problem-drinker because you booze every day at work. No, no, instead you booze every day after work. Also, all you admitted to last time was drinking during your favorite soap opera, which airs Monday-Friday, so I’m psyched and encouraged to hear that Saturday and Sunday is when “It’s on” and you really let your hair down, as you said, because it’s just so fun. You rule Rebecca. Keep on hitting that bladder of Franzia you keep chilled in the fridge. You should keep some in a hip flask so you don’t have keep going back to the fridge, where you’re tempted to eat those last 4 chilled Nutter Butters are staring at your from their place next to the low-fat Kraft Singles. Just a thought. You sound like a good time, go Dawgs, and thanks for writing.
Several good samaritans have responded to the Silica Gel post, but they’re attempts to explain the “DO NOT EAT” label have only frustrated me because no one can really give me a good reason why it’s there.
Christine wrote:
“Little packets of silica gel are found in all sorts of products because silica gel is a desiccant — it adsorbs and holds water vapor. In leather products and foods like pepperoni, the lack of moisture can limit the growth of mold and reduce spoilage.”
Well, thank you Christine, I understand that they absorb moisture. What I DON’T understand is why anyone not in need of severe medication would ever consider eating one of them. Therefore I also don’t understand why the manufacturers need to be so blatant with their warning. Another woman, Wendy, had this to say:
It says “Do Not Eat” for the same reason McDonald’s coffee has 10 different warnings about how hot it is. Its so the corporations aren’t liable and can’t be sued if someone hurts themselves with the product.
Again, thank you Wendy, I understand that. However, it’s not the same thing. It is very possible, even likely in a drive-thru situation, that someone would accidentally spill coffee on themselves. But it would be almost impossible to accidentally eat one of those silica packets. You’d have to eat it knowingly, which for the purposes of this comparison, would be like someone intentionally spilling coffee on themselves. Does this make sense? You see the warning on the coffee, so you’re careful not to burn yourself. But when you see the warning on the Silica, it’s not as if you’re then careful not to eat it. You would just never even consider eating it, so why the hell does it need to say DO NOT EAT? Okay that’s, enough. If you’re confused, read the Silica Gel post and please help me solve this mystery.
This e-mail is hilarious. As soon as I opened it I knew it would make the mailbag:
Hi,
I will give you $35 in exchange for placing an ad for a drug rehab facility on your webpage: www.kylebrandt.com
I can pay you with paypal or a check. Please let me know which you prefer.
Thanks,
Marc
I just read it again, and I just laughed again. A generous offer Marc, but I don’t know if I can go as low as 35 bucks. Not for a drug rehab facility. But don’t let me give you the wrong impression, I’m definitely interested. Is there any way we could talk more in the $45 range? No? Maybe I can also write a weekly post about your facility, which I’m guessing includes you in its alumni mailings.
What if I actually contacted this guy, Marc, and was like, “Hey man I got your e-mail about the drug facility and the 35 bucks…. that sounds great! I think we can work together on this.”
I also love how he says that I can choose to have him pay me with a personal check. It almost makes me want to do it, so I can scan the check and post it on the site, with Marc’s shaky cursive handwriting. I can see the words “Rehab facility advertising” on the Memo line of the check.
I’m on the fence right now, but next time you come to the site if you see a large, flashing banner above the pictures of Raquel and Payton, you’ll know that your boy KB just made some sweet Moola.
There is always a nice steaming pile of negative e-mail, which I encourage, like this one from Debora. Check it out:
Unfortunately, I am NOT impressed with your “linguistic stylings”. Namely, the profanity-laced diatribes, personal ad, etc. that constitutes your website. I come from an educated family
(teachers, engineers and professors) and was taught that an educated person doesn’t need to use that type of language. A truly educated person has a wealth of knowledge and expansive verbal skills with which to make their point. I had hoped your website would have more “CLASS”.
As a side note: my 22 yr old son’s senior portraits bear a striking resemblance to one of your headshots. He rarely uses the type of language exhibited on the website unless in the company of his friends and certainly NOT in mixed company, on the job, or in front of his little brother. I was sadly disappointed that for someone who is pushing 30 years old would be so lacking in civility or professionalism (for a public figure). Not even during my 20 year military career did I have to endure profanity. Believe it or not, the military DOES NOT condone the use of profanity as it is NOT considered professional behavior. I am so sorry that you seem to feel it is necessary to use such language to make your point(s). Or maybe it is just the local atmosphere that has pickled your brain?!
I went back and forth with how to respond to Debora’s email. Admittedly, my first reaction was to barf out a reponse laden with as much fat, viscous profanity as I could forcefeed into every sentence. But that’s no fun. Here’s what I have to say Debora- there are only so many hours in the day. You have a family. A career. Yet on this particular day you decided that you were going to spend some time clicking around the Internet, and you landed on the website of someone you knew from a soap opera. Then you spent at least 10-15 minutes reading that website. Sighing. Cringing. Rolling your eyes. You felt generally unhappy as you read it, while the minutes that you have left on this planet ticked away. Had you then closed your Internet Explorer window and abandoned that website which frustrated you so much because of its lack of class, the damage would have be minimal. It would have represented a miniscule speedbump in your day that only deprived you of a few precious minutes that you could have spent with your loved ones. But, no, you decided that you needed to teach me a lesson. You needed to educate me on these some things. So you clicked on the e-mail link and wrote me a fairly long message that, from what I can tell, was supposed to make me feel badly about myself. You called me uneducated and classless, while insinuating that I was poorly-raised by my parents. And you did all of this with a self-righteous, holier-than-thou, nose-in-the-air, flagpole-up-the-rectum e-mail. Did it make you feel good to write that e-mail? Did you feel like a better citizen because you had chastised and berated me for naughty language? Think of all of the things you could have been doing while you read my site and wrote that e-mail. You could have been writing an e-mail to, imagine this, someone you actually know. A friend you’ve fallen out of touch with. A child or sibling you’d like to reach out to. You could have read a book, or exercised, or cleaned, or bathed, or done something productive. These are only a few quick examples. And once again, what an incredibly self-indulgent rant. You come from “an educated family.” Well good for you, Debora! If my parents were high school dropouts who worked at Dairy Queen, does that make you superior? It just strikes me as ironic that you call out what you perceive as a lack of “class” in my writing, and then spend the rest of your e-mail boasting about your family’s pedigree, your professional accomplishments and the angelic, profanity-free son that you raised. I don’t swear in front of my mother, ever, but for the record-if your son is 22 and he doesn’t regularly drop F-bombs in his everyday life…. all joking aside, that’s a social red flag. My guess is that he does.
And finally, it’s not as if my site is drowning in profanity. It’s actually pretty sparse. Are you really that uptight and conservative that encountering a few naughty words launches you into a vindictive panic? Oh, and as for the “someone who is truly educated doesn’t need to use those words,” angle, don’t try to play that card with me. When I use profanity, I do it because I want to, not because I need to. Let’s be clear on that. Look at modern cinema. The lion’s share of major films that receive both commerical success and critical acclaim are tattooed with profanity, and they’re written by some of the most brilliant and creative minds in the world. Profanity is part of the English language. Anyone with any sense of down-to-Earth, easy going affability will understand that there’s a huge difference between saying, “Man, I’m starving” and saying “Man, I’m fucking starving!” But according to your mentality, I should draw upon my vocabulary and education to craft a G-rated version of that sentiment. Something like, “My friend, I’m feeling an incredible hunger at this moment. I refuse to tell you that I’m ‘starving,’ because both you and I know I’m not actually ‘starving,” and saying so would be disrespectful to those less fortunate that you and me, those who might actually be starving at this moment. Nevertheless, at the earliest convenience, I would like to eat some food.”
And yes, there are times and a places when it is inappropriate, but certainly my own website is not one of them. I will continue to be profane when I feel it is necessary, and there will also be times when I don’t feel it’s necessary, but I just feel like using the word “motherfucker” because it makes me feel good.
Thank you for writing Debora. If you’re reading this, it means you returned to the site. I hope you continue to do so and I’m betting you will, even if you hate that you do.. Good luck to you and your 22 year-old son, who is no doubt about to begin his ascension towards becoming a teacher, engineer or professor in the footsteps of his esteemed and educated ancestors.
I’ve been getting a lot of e-mails with recommendations for topics that I should write about. I like these. Even if I don’t respond to the ideas, they get my wheels turning. Like this one:
Hi Kyle,
I just read your breakdown of the Superbowl Shuffle — hilarious! As a child of the ’80s it’s about time someone really explored that masterpiece. I don’t know if you take requests for review topics or not, but if you do, can you please blog about MC Hammer’s foray into hardcore rap. Mainly, I’m talking about the song and, especially. the video for “Pumps and a Bump.” Here’s the link if you’re interested:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxp6W12QQbE
Looking forward to reading your opinion,
Marissa
What’s up Marissa? Well, if you read my Shuffle Breakdown, you already know that I was a deciple of the man back in the day, both when he was M.C. Hammer, and also when he decided to become a hardass and change his name to simply, “Hammer.” -that reminds me, am I the only one who still calls Puff Daddy “Puff Daddy?” Anyway, Marissa, I know what you’re talking about. There is a track on 2 Legit 2 Quit (the album, not the revolutionary hit single) where Hammer wraps about being shot and clutching his uzi as he dies. Even as a 13 year-old that seemed like bullshit to me. -oh, sorry Debora, it seemed as if the artist was erecting a facade so as to manipulate his public image. Won’t happen again.
As for the “Pumps and Bump” video, I think I can write a whole post just on Hammer’s swimwear, but I won’t. I will tell you though, that I’m working on an elaborate post that will incorporate YouTube. I think it’s going to be a real crowd pleaser. Look for it within the week.
Samuel had this to say:
Hey Kyle,
What is happening?! Your new website is a little weird. And I can’t seem to know from it what the latest with you.
You know what else is a little weird, Samuel? That last sentence of yours. No it’s all good though, my man. I like you for two reasons. #1 your name is Samuel, which is one half of a very good beer. #2 you use the question mark + exclamation point punctuation, which I’m a big fan of. Check out how different this two questions are:
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell are you doing?!
Oh…. wait a second. Debora, is it bad to say “what the hell?” It is? Dang it. I’m trying, I really am.
Anyway- you’re the man Samuel. Sorry the site is weird, but so is the science that Wyatt and Gary employ, and they wound up with Kelly LeBrock so it can’t be all bad, right?
Here’s someone else who seemed to be disappointed with the site:
i was disappointed to read your page. you seem so angry. possibly your are, and that is fine; however, i wonder who your target demographic is. i don’t think young men are going to be googling your name, and i don’t think young women are going to keep reading an angry page that seemingly strives for the wit and sarcasm of an espn page but unfortunately replaces the humor with bitterness. if this is not the vibe you wish to convey, read your own blog.
i thought you were not allowed to act to your potential on “days” and, like i said, was curious about your current projects. however, i do not plan to return to the site. are you trying to project a new and improved “angry kyle”? the whole page just seemed sort of bizarre…
good luck with your future endeavors i hope you reach your target demographic, whomever that may be
rachel
a lady impressed by wit but not whine
Interesting e-mail, Rachel. Here’s the thing- I don’t really consider demographics when I write, at all. I just write about things that make me feel. If I love something, or if something pisses (sorry Debora) TICKS me off, I write about it. I’m not trying to appeal to “young men” or “women” as you say. I’m really not. Before I read your e-mail I never really considered it. I’m just being myself, albeit with a bit of a chip on my shoulder. If a lot of my writing comes across as cynical, it’s because I don’t project a ton of cynicism in my everyday interactions with people, so the site becomes kind of a refuge for it. A place to purge, I guess. Plus, I find people respond to ranting and good-natured sarcasm. It’s these kinds of responses that fuel this reality-TV culture that we’re living in right now. People watch reality shows to make fun of the cast members. Why are the first few weeks of American Idol so popular? Not because of the 2-3 people per episode who can carry a tune, but because of the rejects who can barely sing “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” yet go in front of my man Simon and try to belt out “Billie Jean.” It’s this kind of mentality that makes THE HATE LIST the most popular post on this site. It’s fun to make fun of things, and in some cases, people. If you disagree, I respect that, but this is probably not the site for you. And by the way, as anyone who knows me will attest, I make fun of myself more than anyone else. I’m great at it, just because I always provide so much material for myself.
I got an e-mail from someone named “Adrin.” I don’t know if that’s a guy or a girl. My guess is it’s a guy. The e-mail said only this:
You are an asshole.
It’s fascinating that he/she would feel obligated to write that e-mail. What’s the point? Whatever the case, Adrin, I’m calling you out. That’s right. You. You’ve already been to the site once, odds are you’ll be back and you’ll read this. E-mail me again. I dare you. Tell me, in coherent English, why you feel that way about me. You’re entitled to your opinion, but I have to stick up for some of my readers (I won’t mention names) who are offended by potty mouths. We can’t have that kind of language around here. Nevertheless, I challenge you to write back. I’m begging you. Enthrall me with your verbal wizardry. Why am I a (bad word that you said)? I promise you I will post it here.
That’s all I’ve got for now. Maybe I should be concerned that e-mails from readers are more entertaining that the original content I provide on the site, but I’m not. Please keep it up. E-mail me about anything you like, love, or detest. All are welcome.
1.3.07
Lots of e-mail. Thanks. I have to mention something though. It seems that every other e-mail starts with, “I just happened to stumble across your site.”
First of all, I don’t think that’s really possible. It sounds like something a pedophile would say after the cops busted down his door and found him looking at online kiddie porn. “Officer, I just happened to stumble across this site…..and bookmark it.”
But more imporantly, please don’t feel like you need to make an excuse for being here. I’m not going to make fun of you for looking at my own site. It reminds of my days at DAYS, when I would come across guys who recognized me but insisted that it was only because their girlfriends made them watch the show.
Let’s get to the e-mail………
I got a ton regarding the We Wish You a Merry Holiday! post. I hoped that someone would speak up for “Happy Holidays” so we could get a debate going, but sadly most of the e-mail was pretty close-minded. Although there was one question raised that caught my eye:
“Isn’t it amazing how ‘Winter Break’ ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday?” -Diana
This is true. Looking back, every single “Winter Break” I’ve enjoyed has transpired in direct correlation with Christmas. It would be bizarre if the powers-that-be decided to have “Winter Break” in mid January, and we had to go to school on Christmas Day.
Here’s a good one:
“I’m a typical Dutch homosexual and was scouring the web for some ‘melodramatic pictures that are supposed to make soap stars look attractive’, until I stumbled upon your blog.” -Rob
Just your typical, run-of-the-mill, Dutch homosexual. Nice work, Rob. Are Dutch homosexuals different than, say, Hungarian homosexuals? Or are you trying to say that Dutch homosexuals typically spend their time scouring the web in the manner you were? -like that’s their trademark, they spend their days using Google Images to find pics of former soap actors? So in doing so, you were acting like a T.D.H.? No matter. KB.Com is an equal opportunity website. Welcome, or Welkomst.
“I hate when people say Happy Turkey Day too! I literally went through the roof when I read that on your hate list! So Stupid!” -Bianca
Wow, I’m so sorry. Are you okay? You must have busted your head open. Have you gotten the roof fixed yet? What are you going to do if it rains? I’m shocked to hear you went through the roof, not “literally” shocked because that would necessitate electricity. But I am shocked. And I feel like I played a role. Apologies.
“I watch DAYS everyday and I miss seeing you. By the way, I really loved your bar seen with Jason before you left. I always drink when I watch the show so it was extra special.” -Rebecca
This made me LOL. Rebecca, you’re a champ. Let’s break this down. You said you watch DAYS “every day,” and that you “always” drink when you watch. Am I to understand that Monday-Friday week in, week out you’re in front of the TV pounding booze in the middle of the day? That’s quite a regimen. We’re not talking about a glass of White Zin either, am I right Rebecca? I’m feeling some hard stuff. Maybe a tumbler and a half of Knob Creek after a Stouffer’s microwaveable Chicken w/ Rice lunch? Tell me I’m wrong. Great e-mail.
-I would also like to add that at the end of Rebecca’s e-mail, there was a signature indicating that she worked for a “Door Shop,” which I guess is a shop that sells doors. I just think this helps the image, especially if you picture her, like I do, drinking and watching her soap in the backroom of the shop during her break. Please keep writing, Rebecca. I want to make you a site celebrity.
Here’s a suggestion for THE HATE LIST:
“What about fake sports teams in movies (almost even ruins gems like The Natural)” -Ian
Ah, yes, the New York Knights. I guess the Yankees wouldn’t play ball on that one so Roy Hobbs couldn’t “knock the cover off the ball” while wearing pinstripes. But perhaps it’s because the character of Roy Hobbs comes from obscurity and works his way up to prominence within the Knights’ system. Maybe Steinbrenner read the script and felt it didn’t reflect the Yankee way. He might have even suggested a re-write in which Roy Hobbs has an inflated season for another team, then signs with the Knights for some huge paper and then underperforms. It doesn’t have the same feelgood vibe though. I’m glad they stuck with the original story.
Ian, I have yet to use a HATE LIST contribution from a reader, mostly because I feel like they should be personal. But I like this one. It’s solid. It has tainted some of my favorite movies.
The E.S.U. Wolfpack in The Program
The Texas St. Armadillos in Necessary Roughness
The Adams College Atoms in Revenge of the Nerds
Any Given Sunday in its entirety.
It’s even worse in commercials, but I think I’ll save those examples for the HATE LIST. Great suggestion, Ian.
Many readers are still sending in their thoughts on My Personal Ad, which has been the most popular post, by far. Half of them tell me I’m an asshole, but give no rationale. I defy one of you to explain why that post makes me an asshole. Let’s get into it. Enthrall me with your analyses.
The other half tell me why I should date them, which would be sweet if they weren’t coming from places like West Virginia and Michigan. I espeically like readers who send in pictures. Some of them are, just, Wow.
Here’s one reader who had a problem with something in the Ad-
Now, in regards to your “Must Have A Legitimate Name” topic, what if you met someone, and she is absolutely perfect. You’ve finally elucidate the idea of love at first sight. You have a two-hour long conversation about everything under the sun. And at the end of the night, you ask her her name and she says, “Summer. Summer Ocean.” I actually know someone with this name, believe it or not. But what fault is it of hers? Why should she be ousted because her mom was in her hippy stages when she was born and named her after a season? Then you’ll end up living your life full of “what ifs”. -Adriana
Well, Adriana, here’s what I think. You’re probably not going to like it. I would never have a two hour conversation with someone if I didn’t know their name first. And if I learned that her name was Summer Ocean from the onset, I probably wouldn’t have a two hour conversation with her. It’s not her fault, I agree. But isn’t it a shame that she has to bear the cross of her Mom’s shrooms and peyote benders? That’s my problem with this whole name thing. I kill the messenger, and I can’t help it. But I have to stick up for myself, too. There are a lot of people who wouldn’t date someone because of their race or religion. I’m open to all of that. Wide open. I just have a hard time with the Suzibelles and Summer Oceans of the world. And I think it would be cruel fate if I met the most beautiful, brilliant woman in the world and her name was Pumpkin. I’m stressing about it even right now as I type this. I don’t think I could go through with it, and at the same time I don’t know if I’m wrong for it. I probably am.
Would she at least go by “Summer?” Or would she insist on being called “Summer Ocean?” I could handle just plain “Summer.” It’s really not bad. But the thought of spending the next fifty years saying, “I’d like you to meet my wife- Summer Ocean.” Good God.
“You are such a complete and utter asshole and I love it! If only everyone else could see the world through your rose colored glasses.” -Heather
Thanks, Heather. I do not take offense. I’m not an asshole in my personal life, I swear. I’m pretty nice. But I don’t understand, if I’m an asshole, then why would I see the world through rose colored glasses? You know what that means, right? I think you mean shit-stained glasses. But I don’t have those either. I got Lasik surgery two years ago.
One reader decided to offer me an alternative to the technique I described in Sticking it to 411:
“I just read your thing on 411. Dial 1-800-FREE-411. Yes, it’s free. You just have to sit through a 20 second ad.” -Mariel
Mariel, sweetheart, did you or didn’t you read what I wrote? It’s sweet of you to inform me of this service, but I don’t need it. My technique is foolproof. I’ve been getting free 411 for years, and without sitting through a 20 second ad. That sounds worse than commercials in movie theaters, and if I used your suggestion I would lose the satisfaction of screwing the phone company, which is 99% of my motivation for doing it.
12.7.06
Several people (mostly women, but a couple guys as well) wrote responses to My Personal Ad. The majority of the people who e-mailed me tried to explain why they fulfilled all of the “requirements,” which I think is pretty sweet. I don’t doubt that many of you do. However, there were a couple gems within the descriptions that I wanted to share.
One reader described her genetic virtue by saying:
“I have a palm of breasts and a jean flattering ass” -Adrianna
I laughed when I read this. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before. “A palm of breasts.” I like that. And I’ve heard of “ass flattering jeans,” but never the other way around. Are you saying your ass makes your jeans look better?
And another reader touched on my distaste for bad names when selling herself:
“My name is pretty ridiculous. I pretty much blame my parents.” -Shequita
You know what, Shequita? I like your attitude. Life’s about confidence and you’ve got it. I like you. But you’re right to blame your parents.
Got some negative e-mail as well, but I respect it. It’s well constructed, articulate criticism. Like this one:
“bitch you suck i have always didnit like you from day one your a such a hyptrictie and a liar typical pretty boy loser oy yeah you from chihago donvavan mcnabb sucks -William”
It’s just fascinating to me that William can use a computer, navigate the Internet, click on the appropriate link and compose an e-mail, yet he “writes” like this. I don’t know what to tell you, William. If you have always didnit like me, then there’s not much I can do. Point of contention though- yes, Donvavan mcnabb is from chihago, but he doen’t suck at all. When he’s healthy he’s an MVP caliber quarterback. Also, if I’m such a hyptrictie (a swell effort on that word, Will. “Hip-trick-tee?”) e-mail me with a few reasons and I’ll put them up here. I promise. In fact I might create an entire post about them because I have a feeling they’re gonna be really compelling.
I got this message too:
“Your so gay dude.” -Mitch
That’s really something. Well, Mitch, y-o-u-r the man. Witch school are you -going two write now? Eye’ll bet its a good won. Eye’ll bet you dew grate their. Thanks four righting.
There were also a bunch of suggestions for THE HATE LIST in the e-mail. One reader suggested:
“When you’re waiting for an elevator and somebody is standing there pushing the button over and over after it’s already lit up.”
Yeah, that’s pretty obnoxious, but I can’t put it on the list because I’m the guy that does that.
Another reader suggestion:
“All those online abbreviations. BTW, WTF, LOL, IMO etc. Are people that lazy?”
OMG, ITA.