Been away from the site for a very long time. I would apologize, provided that I was required to, or provided that I cared. But I’m going to end what is perhaps my longest hiatus by introducing a new annual feature.
The NFL is in mid-season, my fantasy team (“Perverted Justice”) is 4-6, so it’s the perfect time to unveil the first-ever ALL-KB TEAM.
This list isn’t comprised of the best players at every positional, at least not in most cases. It’s comprised of my favorite players at every position. The guys in the NFL who I would like to do shots with, who I wouldn’t mind giving a lift to the airport. They either make the list because their game is just that good, or because their personality is just that chill. Maybe neither. Maybe they’re just six-foot-nine and almost 4 bills. That qualifies too.
You may be asking yourself, “Why do I care about some dude’s favorite players?”
Well, there are a few possible answers for that. I’ve been good enough to provide them for you here:
1. You shouldn’t.
2. Thanks to my job, I have met several of these guys. I’ve seen how they conduct themselves, and whether they carry themselves like normal dudes or like dickheads.
3. I have better, smarter, and more involved opinions about the NFL than you do. No disrespect.
As always, feel free to disagree with me in vain via the e-mail. kyle@kylebrandt.com
So without further ado… actually. Wait, I take that back. Only knobs say “without further ado.” Strike that from the record. Cut to the chase. Here is the starting offense, and starting defense of the dudes I spot shadow on Sundays and would like to have a beer with after the game.
OFFENSE
QUARTERBACK- Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers.
A couple months ago, I was walking through the parking lot, on my way into the Jim Rome is Burning studio. I noticed somebody standing at the glass doors peering through the windows with his hands cupped around his eyes to block the glare. My first thought was that some jackass was trying to get in the building and crash the set. When I got closer, I hit the guy with a formal, impersonal “Can I help you?” and he spun around and said, “Um, I’m here for Rome is Burning. Am I in the right place?” And then it hit me- Aaron Rodgers was coming on the show today. And this was him. It wasn’t that I didn’t recognize him, it’s just that he didn’t carry himself like most pro athletes you come across. And I mean that in the best possible way. There was no entourage, not even a publicist or wingman. He wasn’t in a pinstriped suit. He wasn’t wearing rocks in his ears. He looked like a normal guy. A guy I’d get together and watch the game with. –not a guy who’d be playing in the game. Come across enough hotshit pro jocks who don’t tell you their name when you introduce yourself because they assume you already know… and you appreciate the ones who are just normal dudes who carry themselves with modesty. That’s Aaron Rodgers. I talked with him for about 15 minutes before we went on the air, and again, at no point did I feel like I was talking to a guy who everyone in the industry was burning on, and who every packer fan was hoping would fail at the time. He was just a dude. We talked about Chicago, and Wrigley Field, and how he had always wanted to check it out. Without even thinking- I asked, “Why haven’t you been to a game yet?” And then it hit me- you’re the Green Bay Packers quarterback. You would be public enemy #1. He kind of laughed and nodded his head. He’s a guy who I’d split a six pack with. First team all-KB. And that was before he even started his first gamae.
RUNNINGBACK- Marion Barber III, Dallas Cowboys.
If you turn on ESPN before or during any Cowboy game- you’ve already heard every superlative about how hard he runs. But as someone who respects and studies the runningback position, believe me when I assure you thatit’s really a thing of beauty. Every carry is a clinic for high school kids who are trying to get better. He’s not as fast as Adrian Peterson. He doesn’t have the shake of Brian Westbrook or the size of Brandon Jacobs. His tangibles are merely decent by NFL standards- yet he just punks tacklers every time he touches the ball. Fucking punks them. A runningback can be 165 and run a 4.7, but if he breaks tackles and gets North-and-South, he’s getting the ball. An 8-yard run with 3 broken tackles is far more impressive than an 80 yard run where every block gets executed perfectly and the ball carrier just has to hit the sideline and hit the jets. You could pull guys off the street who could do that. Nobody outside of Earl Campbell, Bo Jackson and Walter Payton has ever done was MB3 does. I more than respect him. I’m in awe of him.
FULLBACK- Zak Keasey, San Francisco 49ers.
You wouldn’t know it from looking at the caucasion dreadlocks that hang out of his helmet, or the fact that he’s a professional athlete- but Zak (no “c”) is a Princeton graduate. He was a freshman when I was a senior. He played linebacker at the time, and even as a freshman, he was that guy that you never want to get paired up with for contact drills. It hurt to hit him. A guy can be all muscle and outweigh you by 30 pounds, but if you hit him right- you’ll knock him back, or even knock him down. Not Zak. He was one of those guys who just deflected contact. He was also a pledge in my fraternity. An eccentric dude. While his pledge brothers were doing keg stands and memorizing chapter lore, Zak was in his own world. His Hell Week pledge nickname was Pledge “Again.” -as in, he was so bad, he was going to have the pledge again the following year. But we all liked him. And if he can still hit like he did as an 18-year old on the scout team- I’m guessing that NFC linebackers hate him.
TIGHT END- Chris Cooley, Washington Redskins.
I go back and forth with Cooley. Most of the time I want to do shots, blast Quiet Riot and get fucked up with him. Borderline man crush. But some times I think he’s too bizarre. The whole dong-flashing incident really pushed it over the edge. Was it revolting or hilarious? Retarded or brilliant? I’m squarely on the fence. But the fact that he gets my wheels turning like this tells me that I’m fascinated by him. I have a pretty good idea what a conversation with Todd Heap or Marcedes Lewis would be like, but Cooley is so out-there that I’d like to find out. As long as we could get hammered and crank Warrant- we’d be good.
WIDE RECEIVER- Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers.
Have you ever had the experience of watching your favorite team get single-handedly taken apart by an individual player? -yet by the end of the game, you’re so impressed with what he’s doing to your team that you’re almost rooting for him in spite of yourself? That’s how I felt in January of 2006 when Steve Smith did the Bears for 200+ and 2 touchdowns in the NFC Divisional Playoff game at Soldier Field. You probably remember it. Best player on the field. The margin between #89 and the second best player in that game – was bigger than the difference between the second best player and the tenth best player. And no player in the NFL, maybe no player in sports is more intriguing on a psychological level. How does a guy spend his off season interning at Morgan Stanley, and then show up at training camp and cave in his teammates face? How does a guy who draws personal fouls and plays with such a bitter chip on his shoulder become best friends with Punter Jon Kasay? He’s complex. He’s passionate. And he’s one bad mother. Can’t get enough Steve Smith. My favorite NFL player.
WIDE RECEIVER- Larry Fitzgerald, Arizona Cardinals.
This one is simple. Great receiver, yes. Tall and strong, with crazy hops. He’s premiere. But I met him during last year’s Superbowl in Arizona, and I’m telling you, you would not believe how big this motherfucker is. I don’t care what he’s listed at- I stood next to him and suddenly didn’t understand how he could be a wide receiver. He doesn’t even look like a tight end. He looks like a Defensive End. Huge shoulders, long arms, and abs that you can actually see through his t-shirt. I was intimidated by the guy, and he couldn’t be nicer. Dude is HUGE. –and this is after I had spent the day meeting players like Todd Heap, Shawne Merriman, D’Brickashaw Ferguson. Big boys. But none of them are lining up wide and running a 9-route. I hate to use a word as played as “freak” – but wide receivers who catch 100 passes are not supposed to be that big. It’s not fair.
OFFENSIVE TACKLE- Flozell Adams, Dallas Cowboys.
I’ve never met Flozell. I’ve never even heard an interview with him. He may be an asshole for all I know. And if I’m not mistaken (and I’m not) he loves nothing more than leading the league in False Start penalties. He’s no brain surgeon. And he can barely get down into a 3-point stance. But he’s the starting left tackle for America’s team, his name is “Flozell,” and he goes 6’9 330. That formula is enrapturing in and of itself. I’m feeling The Flo.
OFFENSIVE TACKLE John Runyan, Philadelphia Eagles.
A big, mean, old-school lineman. When I watch the Eagles, I always get the feeling that Runyan is playing in the wrong era. He should be playing in the AFL, without so many rules, penalties and pussies. I don’t know this to be true, but I’m betting Runyan has gouged his share of eyes in the bottom of the pile. And if he hasn’t, it’s only because he’s smart enough not to cost his team a penalty. He’s one of the only athletes I’ve seen who can be a red-ass prick on the field and then give a deep, lucid and though provoking interview afterwards. And he used to do battle and hold his own with Strahan in the NFC East back when Strahan was unblockable. I really respect John Runyan. He’s exactly the kind if guy you want blocking for you. Coldblooded, strong and smart.
OFFENSIVE GUARD- Leonard Davis, Dallas Cowboys.
Nothing like being 6’6 350 and lining up next to a guy who’s bigger than you. The left side of the cowboys line is hilarious. Big Flo and L.D. can pretty much lock things down just by standing up and getting in the way. I was at a Superbowl party and I spotted L.D. across the way. All I could wonder was how the hell he once fit inside his mother’s body. Then a friend of mine came up to me like he had just seen a ghost- “Dude- did you see fucking Leonard Davis?! Holy shit!” That quote is better than any explanation I can give. Dr. Freud was right. Size is the shit. (Ed. Note: I still think Steve Smith could take him in street fight. And I’m not kidding.)
CENTER- Dennis Norman, Jacksonville Jaguars.
Another Princeton Tiger makes the list! Dennis was in my class, and was my left tackle for three years. You might wonder why a starting center in the NFL was slumming it in the 1-AA Ivy League. It’s a fair question. He really had no business at Princeton. Not athletically anyway. He was a 300-pounder with a six pack. No shit. But then again, he was also a computer science major who was probably one of the 5-6 smartest players on the team. An impressive guy. Our senior year, we were playing Harvard, and some guy yelled at Dennis from Harvard’s huddle:
“Hey 76, you ‘bout to play on Sundays next year?”
…and without missing a beat, D-Norm fired back:
“No doubt! But I’m ‘bout to whip y’alls ass first!”
I told him that story at our 5th Reunion back in ’06, and he had no idea what I was talking about. Funny how five years of blocking Ray Lewis and Albert Haynesworth will make you forget a moment of trash talk with an anonymous Ivy League player. But I’m never forgetting that one.
DEFENSE
DEFENSIVE END- Patrick Kearney, Seattle Seahawks.
If you don’t like Pat Kearney, you don’t like football. Every single play, he’s down in that badass, throwback 4-point stance, foaming at the mouth and ready to kill. He’s the kind of player that forces his own coaches to hold him out of contact drills in practice so that he doesn’t injure any of his teammates. Watching him on gameday, it feels like watching a kid who’s playing too rough on the playground. “Pat, dude. Dial it down, buddy. It’s just a game. Take it easy, Pat. Somebody’s going to get hurt.” But I love it. You know every offensive tackle in the league thinks one thing when they see Kearney’s name opposite theirs on the scouting report. “Shit.” And I find that pretty much every UVA grad in the NFL is compelling on a personal level- Chris Long, the Barbers, Thomas Jones, etc.
DEFENSIVE END- Kyle Van den Bosch, Tennessee Titans.
A classic Husker. He doesn’t have the ability of a genetic phenom like Mario Williams, but he plays like he hates the quarterback. And I can picture him doing 300-pound hang clean reps in that warehouse weightroom they have in Lincoln. But you can’t make this team if you’re just a meathead who can’t speak (unless your first name rhymes with “Snow-bell” and you play in Dallas) -and when KVdB got flagged for a horseshit personal foul on a QB pressure, his defense was plain and simple. “I knock quarterbacks down plenty of times a year. I know how to hit the quarterback. Yes you do, Kyle. That’s why you’re here.
DEFENSIVE TACKLE- Israel Idonije, Chicago Bears.
We got more than halfway though the starting lineups before the first Chicago Bear. Don’t call me a homer. Fact- Idonije is 23 0-234 and up until recently, he was covering kicks. And it wasn’t like he was the last guy to make it down the field, looking to tackle the kick returner. My man was the wedge buster. Fearless. He’d sprint 40 yards, right down the middle of the field, reach maximum velocity and hit all three players in the wedge with 3 bills of force behind him. The pure physics are incredible. And now he’s platoon at D-tackle and blowing up the Qb instead of the return wedge. And did I mention he and his family immigrated from Nigeria when he was a kid? You probably don’t know Izzy Idonije. Take in a Bears game and you’ll learn all about him.
LINEBACKER- Keith Bullock, Tennesee Titans-
Let’s see. At this point in his career, he’s better than Brian Urlacher. He’s better than Shawn Merriman. He’s better than Ray Lewis. I’ll take him on my team before any of those guys- he’ll make more plays than them, and he won’t have to roid up, stab anyone, or thump his Bible to do it. I also love that his NEPHEW is on the Dolphins. Not his brother, or his cousin. His Nephew. Look it up. Love that. KB loves KB.
LINEBACKER – Patrick Willis, San Francisco 49ers.
The guy uses the word “Sir” in interviews. A pro athlete. “Yes, sir.” “No, sir.” That alone gets him on the list. He’s humble, he’s thankful, and he’s very grateful to be where he is in life. –not to mention, he lead the NFL in tackles as a rookie on a bad team and he runs a 4.4. He’s going to be around for a long time. Until some new linebacker starts playing that well on the field and maintaining All-Pro humility off the field- this spot is Pat Willis’ indefinitely.
LINEBACKER – Isiah Kacyvenski (retired)
I don’t care that he’s retired, Isiah has to be on the list. He was a Seahawk from 2000-07, then a Ram, then a Raider, and then Dr.James Andrews did what Dr. James Andrews does- and Isiah called it a career. But it’s what he did in college that gets him on this list and makes him the 3rd Ivy Leaguer to be All-KB. I played against him for 3 years, and he was sort of like the Harvard Version of Andy Katzenmoyer. – meaning he was a huge, ferocious whiteboy in the middle. -only he could actually spell his position and he had a long NFL career. I remember our first positional meeting with our runningback coach during Harvard Week as a sophomore. He went through the Harvard defensive starters, and when he got to MLB #49, he said “This guy is a problem. He’s a real motherfucker. We’ve got work to do.” And we did. But he still owned us. He wasn’t an asshole though. IN fact- he was pretty cool, even on the field. As a junior, he blitzed the A-gap on a 3rd down and I managed to successfully cutblock him. Put my shoulder pad right on his thigh pad and got him on the ground. He was a much better player than me, so I was pretty proud of myself. But what made the play more memorable was the way he got up, helped me up, and said “Great block man.” Those three words took me from hating the guy and wanting to blow out his knees to admiring him and patting him on the helmet. It didn’t surprise me at all when he stuck in the NFL and became a great special teams player. He’s on my all-time team.
CB- (VACANT)
This slot is open, and will remain open, until a pro cornerback shows me something and starts pitching shut-outs on his side of the field. Because right now, there is nobody who jumps off the screen. There are a few corners who scare quarterbacks, but nobody who scares Offensive coordinators. I’m looking for a star. The state of the NFL corner is bland and disinteresting right now. Champ is still game, but he’s either lost his edge or lost a step, because dudes are challenging him now. And they’re winning. I have a lot of respect for Al Harris, and I think he’s all heart, but I can’t have a guy on this list who got turned inside out by Plax Burress in the playoffs. Can’t do it. Nambdi Asomugha fits the profile nicely, and he’s on the watch list for ‘09. I love him because he’s the opposite of the guy who used to be on the opposite side of the field, DeAngelo Hall. Nambdi can actually cover, and Nambdi is not a shithead. So that helps, but I can’t put him on the list until he starts making some big plays. And I know nobody ever throws to his man, and that’s too bad. Start picking off the passes intended for the other guys. Nobody ever threw at Deion, and he was still hawking balls every Sunday. But the corner I’ve been most disappointed in is Antonio Cromartie. I had this spot all warm and ready for you, dogg. It was going to be yours for the next decade. What happened? You disappeared on me.
SAFETY- Darren Sharper, Minnesota Vikings.
Always the other team’s most reliable receiver, give me Darren Sharper in the 4th quarter, trying to protect a lead. There are all kinds of safeties who are probably “better” than him in some way. He’s not a ferocious hitter. He’s not incredibly fast. He’s not young. He’s just a good fucking player. A skill position guy in his mid 30s who QBs still have to throw away from is pretty cool. I have no idea how a guy that good, who also has a brother in the NFL, ended up playing college ball for the William & Mary TRIBE – I guess they can really recruit. He’s tied with Deion on the all-time interceptions list, and I think that says it all. He’s half as gifted as Prime Time, but twice as intelligent. And that put him on my first string.
SAFETY- Rodney Harrison, New England Patriots
You hate this guy, don’t you? Good. I don’t blame you. I think there are only 52 players in the NFL who don’t hate him, and they comprise the Patriots roster. But I’d love to be his teammate, because I know he’d have my back, and he wouldn’t hesitate to concuss somebody who messed with me. There’s an honor to being the de facto dirtiest player in the NFL. It means you’re the biggest bastard. I like that in a safety. I don’t want my safeties helping guys up and patting them on the helmet after the play. I want them trying to hurt the other guy. Not “injure” him. HURT him. And if he has to step on a few fingers to do it, I’m willing to look past that. I’ll take an old, slow Rodney Harrison on my team before some rookie combine-freak with no balls.
KICKER- Martin Gramatica, New Orleans Saints
Viva Automatica! Don’t hate on the guy. Viva Automatica! Check out that lettuce! Viva Automatica!
PUNTER- Brian Moorman, Buffalo Bills.
First of all, look at Moorman’s picture. Does that look like anyone else on this list? Does that look like he’s anything other than a kicker? A librarian, maybe. Certainly not a pro athlete. That’s what I love about NFL kickers- they have to hang in the same locker room, and even better, the same shower room as big bad motherfuckers. Let’s just take a look at Moorman’s picture, next to Leonard Davis’s picture and try to imagine the two of them standing side by side, recapping the game in the post game shower….
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it would be totally natural. Except I’m not wrong. That said, with respect to Reggie Roby, B-Mo is not only my favorite current punter, but my favorite of all time. Why? Because he gave us three things. #1. The best Pro Bowl play of all time. #2. The best Special Teams play of all time. #3. Maybe the biggest hit of all time. Thank you, Brian Moorman. And pass along my regards to your chronic migraines. I love this guy. There he is, playing in the pro bowl. Surrounded by the best in the business. The best athletes in the world. And he decides he’s going to be a big hero, he’s going to make Sportscenter, he’s going to be a real, actual football player. Then the next thing he knows, his entire body goes from Drive to Reverse in a split second and he’s a legend. You’ve already seen it 100 times.
See it again. But make sure to mute your Computer first, because you don’t want to listen to Dan Dierdorf any more than you have to.
RETURN MAN, SITH LORD- Devin Hester, Chicago Bears
I know, I know, Darth Hester hasn’t made a special teams house call in ’08. But what you don’t understand is that the reason he’s not watching himself on the jumbotron this season is because he has stopped using the dark side of The Force. Don’t ask me why. I wish he would go back to using it. Maybe it was getting boring for him to choke would-be tacklers by just lifting his finger. Maybe he wanted a new challenge. This season he has looked like Luke on Degobah when he’s trying to raise his X-wing out of the swamp. He’s trying to run back kicks, but without using The Force, it’s not happening. Before long, he’ll start to understand that he must “Do, or Do Not.” There is no try. And once he does, there is no stopping him. Darth Hester will rise again. I have foreseen it. It is his destiny.
